Fear.

What exactly is it? What is fear?

Fear.

Before this whole fiasco, I never really feared. I was never afraid, I was looking forward to someone loving me. I was looking forward to having something to hold onto, for the first time in my life.

And then he came. Sorata, that is. Sorata. Sorata. Sorata. Thinking of him drives me insane, sometimes I want to kill him and strangle him to death. Other times I want to… him to hold onto me and I want him to tell me that he’ll never leave me.

I don’t want him to leave me.

Rejection. I rejected him at first, no surprise there. Everyone assumed I’d reject him anyways, I don’t seem like the romantic type that goes for guys that spout off ballads of their love. I don’t blame them though, if I wasn’t myself, I would have assume without another thought that I’d reject him.

They were right. But for the wrong reasons.

They believed that I would reject him because I didn’t love. Or something along those lines, I was too ‘cold’ to love. I was too ‘cold’ to really feel emotion; I was considered an emotionless, stoic, poised, taciturn one. They were right about that too, I suppose I am somewhat stoic.

Not emotionless though. I’m not emotionless.

When I was young, I was angry.

I was angry at my mother, unbelievably so. I hated her. I hated her for leaving me, I hated her for leaving me all by myself with no warmth. It didn’t take too long for me to become cold.

Living. I didn’t want to do that anymore at the time. I didn’t want to live and feel anymore pain. No one loved me, no one really knew or cared about me; all they cared about was the fact that I was to help them save the world. Like I gave a shit.

Love.

They told me that someone would love me, someone would love and cherish me and would be willing to die for me. I was extremely happy after that; exuberant, thrilled, ecstatic, exhilarated. Of course I never let on to them that I felt that way.

Love. I was very impatient but I learned to become patient. I knew that I would be loved one day, that one thought that someone would love me kept me alive.

At that time I had not realized that the only one who would truly love me was destined to die because of me.

And then he came. Sorata.

I didn’t think much of him, he was just another Dragon. I didn’t really care, and then he told me that I was the one.

The one.

Rejection came immediately.

I wish.

I don’t really know what came first: love or fear? Or maybe both at the exact same time.

Looking at his eyes gave my heart a jump, I felt different, I felt whole.

Fear. I feared the one thing that I wanted my whole life. I feared love.

It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair that the one who would love me would have to die for me.

Determination. I was determined not to let him die for me, I was determined not to love him.

Little help that did. In the end, he was completely injured and ruined because of me. I should have got injured and instead he took my place.

Fear. I didn’t want him to die for me because I loved him.

So I finally let my defenses down and let him in, I let him in because I wanted to let him know that I loved him.

Now here I am, about to leave.

And it’s not because I don’t love him, it’s because I’m afraid. It’s because I love him.

He won't die for me.

I won't let him.